Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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