Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
