ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
