Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
