shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
