Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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