just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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