Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
