so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize