I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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