Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
ok first of all what the fuck
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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