He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
