I got chris browned last night
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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