I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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