you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
