the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
