If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
