I didn't shave. On purpose
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
