I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
True strength comes from lack of pants
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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