Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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