Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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