I wannas sexs uuuuu
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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