woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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