I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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