he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
