I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
