mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
