If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
