Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
