Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't deserve a penis
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
