omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
