my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
