Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
