I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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