Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
