is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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