totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
