you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
