dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
