Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
