Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
