I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
