Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
