Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
