How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
