If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I am available for nakedness
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