I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
