between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize