Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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