the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
