I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
