You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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