im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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