hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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