I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
