please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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