Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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