when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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