If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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