dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
