No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
