Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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