3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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